How many times have you sat at the top of a trail, pretending to listen to someone waving their arms while reciting every corner in intricate detail? It's not something I'll do, as there's nothing like a list to fry a mind far more interested in railing the perfect berm, or simply staying wheels-down.

But it does make me chuckle, so here's my five most useless ways of giving directions:

5. Add Confusion
"It goes left, then down a steep shoot... Or was it right...?" - Who cares? You don't know and you're not helping anyone else here!

4. Use Non-Specific Distance
"Halfway down this trail, there's a nasty root!". Halfway to what? From where? Simple, but useless.

3. After The Event. 
"If you reach the fireroad, you've gone too far!". Not helpful, unless you like pushing back up long sections of trail.

2. The Distraction.
"On your left you'll see a pub with a lovely garden, great menu, you must visit. Oh and mind the low branches by there". Extra points for good details, but high likeliness of causing an accident.

1. In the past.
A favourite of the elder ladies of Wales, the finest example have include "I'll meet you where the petrol station used to be" (my former landlady), and "turn right after the levelcrossing [which was removed by Beeching in 1963]" (my mother). Both useless, distracting, and a fine way to determine if someone really knows the area!